"REGRESSSION TO THE MEAN"-MY SHRINK HELPED ME SEE THE ERROR OF MY WAYS

I recently met with my OCD therapist. He told me something that literally changed my life, and was the answer to why I have struggled time and time again working with people, ever since the mission.

In my posts, I have touched on my struggle with anxiety in professional settings. Basically, if I work with what I perceive to be "verticals", or people with authority over me, and I receive criticism about my performance or feel pressure to perform, I catch on fire, my anxiety gets really bad, and it won't shut off. I start to dry heave throughout the entire day, and I'll sometimes vomit. I persist this way, day after day, until I leave the trigger/authority figure/professional environment. If I don't, then eventually the stress caused by this anxiety will take me to horrible places I never want to go back to. (See Post "OCD- The Brutal Truth" for details).

As such, I work with "horizontals" or lateral environments, where I view everybody as a peer to some degree. But even in these environments I struggle if it's in the realm of something I'm passionate about. I always become a bull-headed frustrated bandmate.

For example, as an anxious missionary, I always felt like my senior comps were pushing me down and my junior comps were holding me back.

In bands, I have always felt they just can't "catch the vision", and they're a governor to success.

These feelings, though tied to OCD and anxiety, they are also tied to PRIDE.

Recently, I sent out a text to my singer. It was blunt, and it really hurt her feelings. She responded by basically saying I was harsh and mean, and that she was very hurt. After that text response, I realized that every band I'm in has turned out the same, because of me, and it's always negative. I realized I feel emotion way too intensely, and I realized when I work with "laterals", I have a tendency to strong-arm them.

I realized I have a real fear of abandonment when it comes to bands sometimes. I fear that I'll put forth tons of effort, and the singer will leave either on their own volition, or because a label extends an opportunity to them, but not the band, or that possibly that same scenario would occur to a talented songwriter in the band. Drummer Abandonment Syndrome I call it i.e. overworked, undervalued, not seen as an equal in the eyes of the industry, doesn't get an equal split because they're "just" the drummer and didn't write the melody or words, and left out to dry.

I shared this all with my therapist. I shared with him my text messages, and the response from my singer. He said, "You struggle with Regression To The Mean, and it makes you a horrible team player." He also told me I needed to value being on the team, and count my blessings for being on the team. He asked me if I was even ready to be "THE GUY" in a professional world. He asked me if I was ready spiritually, mentally, emotionally, in my psyche, financially, and talent-wise. I answered NO to all of them, except maybe the talent one (as I increase my ability to play flawlessly to a clic and continue "playing to the song" with unique yet suitable drum parts, I could be very legit. I'm already good enough to play with tons of bands. But my anxiety is clinical, and its genetic, so maybe "talented amateurs" is the path I'll have to take in life, and thats ok), because I'm not ready. He also told me I needed to swallow my pride and apologize, especially to the singer, and I realized I did need to do that.

This is how he explained "Regression To The Mean" to me-

First he drew this picture-

He told me in group settings, performance will always be pulled to the average, or mean. Some people will work harder, perform better, and others will have to pull back. He told me this group behavior was true within his own work environment. He shared that there were incredibly talented therapists, that wanted to leave, start their own practice, and make a lot of money, and some did just that. But he also shared with me, as lead therapist, he would ask these dynamite counselors if they were really ready to be 100 percent on their own, and leave the team. If they weren't ready for that, then they needed to embrace "Regression To The Mean" and realize the benefit of being on The Team.

A literal firework went off in my head, and I realized this shred of truth is something that has been lacking my entire life. He related "Regression To The Mean", to family, to a marriage, and to my band.

I then had a gospel epiphany, and realized God understands this on the scale of the entire human race.

I've realized, "If there is no harmony, then you failed." I thought about that. I thought about my mission, my band, and hopefully my future wife and family, if I ever realize marriage and a couple kids in my lifetime.

He shared with me the example of a husband, having all these expectations of his wife, perhaps in areas he's more experienced in, while overlooking that she is trying her best. The same can be reversed and holds true with a wife toward her husband. Or parents to their kids. Or, a drummer to his band.

I realized how very helpful this band had been to some of my friends, and even to myself in important areas outside of just music. I realized all I could do was use my drumming talent, be faithful, make good choices, and hope for the best. I can't control the future, as much as bad anxiety makes you wish you could. But I can control how I manage my anxiety, and I can choose to turn to my support network for guidance and help. I realized it would be such a loss, and so very very crappy of me, to screw this band up, ultimately, because of my own PRIDE.

So I sent this email to my band-

1st- "Singer" I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I value you and I appreciate you and I love playing shows.

2nd- I'm sorry to the band for being a bull, for being inconsiderate, for strong-arming everybody 

3rd- Yes, I do want to have artistic voice in the band outside of just drumming sometimes, but not at the cost of the band, and most importantly, at the cost of alienating friendships.

Yes, you all know I've been on one lately. I realized I have been undervaluing being on THE TEAM. Being on THE TEAM is a really good thing. 

What are the benefits of being on THE TEAM

1) Support In Life-

-"Bass Player" is getting off the vape, and gigs are good exposure therapy for social anxiety within a supportive band

-"Singer" has an artistic avenue to balance out her work during the week and give her an outlet when things get rough

-"Producer" has an avenue that can hopefully give him an ROI for all he's done, help his new family, and we all can brainstorm how to do that

-I have social, emotional, and even spiritual support in this band, unlike some past projects where I really started to struggle

-"Lead Guitarist"...I don't about "", but "" is in the band, and he's really good, and he's a calming force in the universe

2) Performing-

I love to drum, and I love to perform, and I get to do that because I'm in this band, as do others in the band

I get to come up with my own drum creations for songs

3) Social Circle Expansion-

-I was in a real rutt socially prior to the band, because I was ignoring that aspect of my life, not good for an extrovert. I was working really hard trying to make music endeavors work, but my lack of balance was making everything worse.

-Gigs have been an opportunity to invite people out to shows and meet new people 

4) Character Flaws-

-The band is helping me realize where and how flawed I am in certain areas and that I need to change them

-I spoke with my OCD shrink today, because I was concerned with these issues I've had, that I always seem to have, that come up in bands time and time again. But this band has helped me to really recognize I need to change. 

Like always, my shrinks words were a godsend. Because of severe anxiety, a kin to OCD, it's hard for me, actually maybe even impossible for me, to play in high-pressure environments. When I say high pressure, I mean when I have someone willing and ready to fire me if I mess up, not so much playing in front of a bunch of people. It's the authority complex I struggle with. 

This really became evident while I was at music school in Los Angeles, when I realized what actually being a session drummer in Los Angeles would be like. But because I struggle in these types of environments, as a musician, I play among "talented amateurs," amateur meaning music is something they do, not what they do, not that they don't have mad skills. Yes, I have some professional musicians I moonlight with, and it's a lateral type of environment for me among them, because they're peers, but they don't really help me become better in life, in fact, sometimes they do the opposite. 

For me, if it's a lateral vs. vertical environment among people, my anxiety doesn't catch on fire day after day, and I'm not dry heaving throughout the day. Yeah, it gets that bad. But it's erroneous to expect bandmates to go at something like the NBA playoffs when we're just playing city league basketball here. In the past I have thought "If I push, if I book lots of gigs, and if I strong arm, they will all catch the vision, and share in my visions of grandeur. I will make pros out of amateurs, and we will Blast Off To Rockville!"  This is also called pride.

In reality, most bandmates wish I would just chill out. Actually every single band mate I have ever had wishes I would chill out. I can chill out, and I do, until I don't again, but I realized I need to stop that cycle.  

Also, the reality is, if "Blast Off To Rockville" even became an opportunity, it would only occur by being a team player, and it would only be pursued as a team, and there would have to be harmony. 

Perhaps there may come a day when I'm good enough, and ok in the brain enough with anxiety, that I could go on tour with like Paul McCartney. But that wouldn't ever happen as long as I'm single, and these bull-headed behaviors are not helping toward that marriage thing.  

This bullheaded behavior I've been portraying, is causing distance and strain on valued friendships, and the people in this band are more important than the band because I'm in a band with friends, with really good people.

I'm not a captain, I'm a teammate, and I feel peace in my heart saying that. So, I'm sorry I've been acting like a bull headed captain all this time, and I will do better, and be a much more harmonious team player, because I value your friendships.